Leaving 2011... and Entering 2012

According to the popular mythos regarding the Mayan calender, 2012 will be the end of the world as we know it. Personally, I choose to accept the traditional understanding - that 2012 will be a time of massive change and renewal, with our world emerging in very different form. If you believe critical theorists such as Jurgen Habermas and David Harvey (thank you, Ed.D. program!), we have been in a time of critical change for a while now, and where we currently are is already somewhere beyond post-modernism.

As for me, what I know is that 2011 was difficult. BEYOND difficult. I am still so exhausted that the thought of starting the required reading for spring semester - my final cohort course - literally makes me sick to my stomach or starts an anxiety attack. Here's what my year looked like:

• January: I took J-term and spring semester reading with me on our Caribbean cruise - which I didn't complete because of temporary but severe vision loss caused by the Scopolamine patch for motion sickness. A rare side effect that of course, I experienced.
• Jan/Feb: I endured 6 weeks of post-cruise vertigo and tinnitus - another rare condition typically affecting women over 40 that can last up to 10 years. Thank God mine resolved in weeks.
• February 17: Radical hysterectomy, followed by 6 months of severe insomnia.
• March: Maren completed her 16-week program at The Brain Balance Center, to help with her severe sensory issues. (www.BrainBalanceCenters.com)
• March 14: I started the conversation with the SLP School District re: my highly gifted & talented (G/T) child, for whom starting kindergarten in the fall was completely inappropriate - math at the 2/3rd grade level, and reading at around the 4th.
• Summer session: Developed and completed the pilot project for my dissertation in 6 short weeks
• July 6: Learned Maren had lost significant sight in her right eye, resulting in spending our final weeks of summer doing school work as we patched her eye 2 hrs/day (which she continues).
• July 15: The girls completed preschool!! WOW!!
• Late July: The girls went to a full week of YMCA Day Camp for the first time. Maren also took art & acting classes; Joie took swimming lessons all year.
• July & August: my parents were both diagnosed with CANCER, within 30 days of each other. Mom had her thyroid removed and a single dose of radiation late September. My Dad has been hospitalized three times, had two stents placed, and has lost about 75 pounds. Thankfully, his Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer seems to be retreating - his tumor continues to shrink, as do most of the spots in his lungs, kidneys & liver. 
• Labor Day Weekend: I made the very difficult decision to dis-enroll from my planned fall semester course, pushing off my Ed.D. completion by a full year, in order to spend most of each week with my parents. It looked as if my Dad had only a few weeks left on earth...
• September 8: My daughters started Kindergarten!
• September 18: PurpleRide 2011 - we cheered on my niece & sister's family, riding in honor of Papa Ron.
• October 3: Mom was declared cancer FREE!
• October 8: I planned & pulled off, almost single-handedly, A Celebration of Ron & Jerri's Life Together, honoring my parents' 44-1/2 years of marriage - we didn't think Dad would make it to their 45th anniversary on February 18, 2012. It was well attended and AMAZING.
• October 16: My siblings decided to become more blatant and frequent in their use of me as their emotional punching bag, for all their emotions around my Dad. Unfortunately, as has been my role in my family, I was expected to "fix it." I declined. Respectfully, but firmly. And I carefully considered my options.
• October 17: I called St. Thomas to learn how to be reinstated in my doctoral program.
• October 19: I officially re-registered for my pivotal course at UST, losing 6 weeks of precious writing time.
• October 24: Emergency root canal, following 6 weeks of severe pain (probably caused by stress and grinding my teeth in my sleep).
• October 25: SLP Schools finally tested Johanna - full scale IQ of 138 - they conceded that yes, she is, in fact, a gifted learner.
• November 20: PurpleLight Vigil at the MN State Capitol. It was horrifically cold & Joie got ill, but we honored Papa Ron.
• November 21: Received official word that Johanna would be accelerated, on a trial basis for 6 weeks, to 1st Grade. VICTORY! And it only took 9 months...
• December 3: Maren & Johanna turned 6. 
• December 5: Joie started 1st Grade!
• December 10: Double 6s Birthday Party
• December 12: My Dad heard the "R" word! "Your cancer cells are in remission" - WOW! He's not out of the woods, but appears to be beating his "beast"!
• December 19-30: I spent every waking moment, including a final 38-1/2 straight hours without sleep, to finish writing my Critical Literature Review (CLR). I got it done, barely, but I don't have the courage to re-read it yet... and will not find out until February 15th if I have passed. The CLR is the document that accomplishes two Very Important Things:
• green-lights me to start my dissertation (keeping me on track for May 2013 graduation),
• and bestows upon me ABD status - All But Dissertation - which means I qualify to apply for tenure-track faculty positions.

I. AM. TIRED.

So. Back to 2012. My plan for this year, as I continue to sit uncomfortably with all that is left over from 2011, is to be kind to myself...

... give myself grace when I don't meet my Type-A personality, perfectionist, higher-than-high standards.

... be okay with a B in my final cohort course. After all, as a colleague reminded me this week, B's earn doctorates, too!

... enjoy the time I am able to spend with my parents, my husband and my family - even if it's not nearly enough... because it never is. I will volunteer in my daughters' classrooms again, and visit my parents as often as feasible.

... take care of my body! Get my hair colored professionally (I've never invested in my hair), get routine pedicures (for my disgustingly dry feet), and work out regularly (weight loss? Yes!).

... read some Really Good Books - fiction, that have been gathering dust on my night table for too long!

... and SING. Yes, I will sing again in 2012!! It's been 2 years too long. It's time.

I will embrace 2012 as a year of immense, radical change - regardless of the outcome of my CLR, or my Dad's battle with cancer, or anything else the world decides to throw at me. I don't think of these things as resolutions, or even goals - they must be part of LIFE.

And life is definitely worth living.